It’s not my intention to dwell on the past, point fingers or play to blame game, but I must acknowledge that one does not just end a 5 year relationship due to some harmless flirting at a Drake concert.
The problem existed because of how I felt about myself when I was with him. My self esteem dropped to an all time low and I couldn’t make even a simple decision without worrying what he would think. This is not to say he was making an effort to control me, he’s stubborn by nature and I believe he began to disagree with me just because he could, even on the most superficial and frivolous of topics. If I said it was black, it had to be white. And it was never enough for me to admit to defeat, oh no, I’d have to be repeatedly disproved until I begged for the conversation to be dropped.
Even when choosing an outfit, he would eye me up and down and scoff, “You’re wearing that?”
“What’s wrong with is?”
“You look like you’re 12 years old, I hate that dress, where did you even buy it? Why can’t you dress more like <insert celebrity fashionista here>?”
I was criticized about everything from the way I did dishes to how I spent my free time. No matter how much I did, I was still told I was unproductive, in the most passive-aggressive manner of course. I was sick of constantly feeling guilty for trying to live my own life. I already did everything for this man and was made to feel that it was never enough, that I was never enough. Again, my intention is not to rip my ex to shreds, truthfully he‘s sweet and loving, kind and fun and for some crazy reason he thinks the world of me. Trust me when I say that I have nothing but love and respect for him and believe he has no malicious intent.
He is who he is: a type-A, slightly neurotic, super stubborn Taurus.
I am who I am: a hyper-sensitive, even more neurotic, self sabotaging Cancer.
Our personalities just clashed.
I think a lot of his behaviour stemmed from low self-esteem. Perhaps he felt I was too good for him and thought belittling me would raise his stock. He had a tendency to surround himself with beautiful, trendy and generally “cool” individuals while disregarding all others as “losers or “weird” (NOTE: I proudly proclaim myself to be a weirdo and would not want it any other way). When he was around these so called friends, he tried to impress them to the point where he bent over backwards at their requests. If a disagreement were to occur between myself and one of his friends he would ALWAYS side with the friend, regardless of the argument. He refused to see things from my perspective or to listen to my concerns and feelings, so eventually I stopped trying to express them. I stopped fighting in an effort to avoid arguments and somewhere along the way I lost sight of myself. I felt that as long as things continued the way they were, there would always be this looming sadness in me, that I would never quite feel complete. I wanted more than anything to find myself again, and until it hit me: maybe I had never known myself at all…
TO BE CONTINUED