Bloggers Note: I do not condone the use of drugs, but I personally find they are incredible tools for self discovery. Please keep any judgement to yourself.
I’d been having the greatest time of my life, but I was really missing my closest girlfriends. So when Suki and her boyfriend Paul came up for an impromptu visit, I was over the moon. The three of us went into town and met up with my two favourite girlfriends here, Violet and Kennedy. We all sat on a patio pounding back margaritas and discussing various options on how to spend our night. I mentioned that Paul had brought an endless supply of MDMA. Violet squealed that she had just received a huge amount of mushrooms, “We HAVE to hippy flip you guys! Tonight is THE NIGHT!” (Hippy flipping is combining MDMA and mushrooms to get the ecstasy of the M with the visual stimulant of the mush.)
Suki and Paul looked hesitant, I was totally on board. A bunch of us headed to my house and began barbecuing and drinking. As it got later we all took the M and started feeling its effects immediately. We decided to cab to staff accom so we might have a fire on the beach. Once down at the fire with our huge group of co-workers, Paul and Violet started handing out party favours freely and before long there was 15 or so of us waiting for the effects of the combination to hit us. And boy, did they ever hit us hard! We were all cuddling and holding each other around the fire while intermittently running and splashing in the ocean waves. The sand was rippled with water and the orange crescent moon reflected off the smooth surface, bouncing and dancing with every step we took. The phosphoresce glowed in the crashing white wash. Violet, Kennedy and I held each other closely as the water lapped at our ankles.
“Can you believe this is our life?” Violet whispered. “We get to live here and see this every day.”
We held hands while spinning in circles while screaming, “I love my life!”
Throughout the night I would stare up at the sky, arms raised above my headed and opened towards the heavens and would let out the heaviest sigh. There was so much beauty, I couldn’t handle it. I felt overwhelmed by my own insignificance. I could see every constellation in the sky, the animals jumped out from every direction. The stars were all webbed, linking together like the ceiling of a circus tent and all the light in the sky, all the energy seemed to be focused on the cluster of stars directly above us. My mind cried over and over again, “This is for you. This is all for you.” Looking up at the night sky I knew, that something big, something great was coming for me. I didn’t know what and I didn’t know when, but I could feel it in my soul. As the sun started rising, we all began coming down and began our trecks back to our respective beds. After a 2 hour nap, we were all back on my patio, sprawled across blankets, still tripping over the swaying tree tops and watching eagles and falcons circulate overhead. We smoked doobies and drank beer in the hopes of evening out. I had spent the entire night enthralled with feelings of love and friendship for all of those around me, but now that the fun was over I craved a cuddle session with a beautiful man named Dan. I texted him, he responded, I fell asleep, we didn’t meet up. The next day I felt better but still a bit “off.” I set to work baking a cake for my roommates birthday when I realized I had no milk. I sauntered down the road to my brothers house to borrow a cup, but with no one home and nothing in view except almond milk, I went next door to ask Dan. He greeted me with a huge hug, gave me the milk and asked if I wanted to hangout.
“I’ll come by around 10” he said.
“You better text first, I might be in bed,” I responded.
The man showed up within 10 minutes.
After amazing cake and amazing sex I finally felt like things were starting to go my way, like I was in control of our relationship for once and that I could handle being just friends with benefits. I went to bed late, but feeling fantastic.
When I woke up the next morning my attitude had done a 180. I was sick. Really sick. Like, can’t-get-out-of-bed sick and totally miserable. I cried out loud when I thought about my half-marathon in a mere 2 days, I couldn’t believe that after all my training I may not even be able to run it. I wanted to be babied and considered texting Dan (after all, I’d been so nice to him when he was sick, didn’t he owe me the same?) but my pride wouldn’t let me. I didn’t need him, I had plenty of doting friends. Kennedy brought me a joint and some munchies in the hopes of cheering me up.
My race day arrived and I felt miserable while running the course. The entire time my mind kept returning to Dan. Could I be okay with only a physical relationship? Could I handle him sleeping with other women? Could I do without the emotional support? Did he even care about me at all? I made up my mind that the true test would be if Dan texted me to say “Good luck” or “Hey, how’d the race go?” I had been talking about it for weeks, if he remember then maybe he really did care. The race day came and went and nothing. I felt disappointed but not entirely surprised. My disappointment turned to anger and humiliation and all night long my idle mind thought up various terrible scenarios in which he was using me. I began overanalyzing everything he’d ever said and done and coming to the most negative conclusions. The next morning, before I headed home, I walked out onto the black jagged rocks and meditated to the sound of crashing waves. When my eyes opened, most of my anger had dissipated and I knew what I had to do. I needed to swear off men…