The Draught

As I write this, it has been 2 months.  2 months since I’ve slept with a guy, kissed a guy, had any romantic interactions with a guy.  Zip, zero, not even a flirtatious smile from across a crowded room.  Nothing.  It’s a good thing, this is what I wanted after all, but to not even meet one interesting guy and to constantly be thinking of he-who-shall-not-be-named, (and wondering if he ever thinks about me) it’s a huge bummer.

Lately, I have been really wanting to hookup with a random.  Just find a sexy tourist, throw down with him and never see him again.  No drama, no bullshit.  But the chances of meeting this hot fictional man seems slim.  Mind you, I haven’t gotten out of my comfort zone and gone out in an attempt to meet him, but a part of me sighs, “Why bother?  I’ve lasted this long, what’s the rest of the summer?”

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the fact that I am full of excuses.  The first reason I can think of to not do something, I take it.  Even when I am completely single I still find myself not making time to reach my goals.  Now that I am working a second job I feel that I have extra incentive for bailing on my school work and my writing.  Oh, I’m just so tired, I deserve to chill out, relax and get super drunk and high.
I feel like I’ve been pretty good lately.  I’ve been good at not thinking about him.  I know it’s stupid and not worth my time, but my mind can’t help but wander.  Luckily I’ve been so busy at work I don’t even have a spare second to allow my mind to wander.  Even on my days off I’m too busy running around doing errands, but its times like these: the off moments like right now when my mind really dwells on it.
Stupid, I know.  I hate myself for it, but how can you just turn off your feelings?  Real or imagined.  When I fall, I fall hard and it’s difficult for me to differentiate between sex and love.  Once I have had sex with a guy, I feel an emotional attachment to him.
I just need time, once enough time has passed I can turn back and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” but I’m not there yet.  I just need to focus on working towards my travel plans so I can visit a new world, with new people, food and experiences.  Where I live is so magical and beautiful and yet it’s so limited.  Those that make this their home have nowhere to expand or grow, they’re stuck exactly where they are.  But for me, this is just a launching point to a whole series of new adventures.  If I were to date someone here, I would have even more incentive to fuck off from my responsibilities. My roommate started dating someone and I haven’t seen her in weeks.  She texted me once to ask what kind of birth control I was on and if she could borrow some.  I faintly remember those days… the days when you start a new relationship and all you can see is each other, everything else, everyone else is out of focus.  Those magical, whimsical first few weeks before everything starts to go to shit.  Perhaps I’m just bitter because I’m not getting laid and have ZERO prospects.  It’s funny, because right now I don’t even want sex, but my libido cones in waves.  There will be days when all I can do is fantasize about getting thrown down onto a bed, but right now I can’t even recall what it’s like to have sex and I don’t even care. Ughhh… The draught continues…


The Rainbow Bridge

Continued from before…

On a following day of no particular importance, Kennedy, Dee and I decided to embark on an adventure to a nearby lake in an effort to escape the growing negativity surrounding us.  We set out in search of the “Rainbow Bridge” an old delapitated bridge that had once been painted ROYGBIV style by members of the visiting Rainbow Gathering, but was now used for drinking on and jumping off.  After getting lost a multitude of times, running into a black bear and nearly an hour of backtracking we finally found ourselves on the right path: down an old secluded logging road.  Suddenly, Kennedy perked up, “I just got this weird feeling that we’re going to see someone walking down here.  We’re going to encounter them again and it’s not going to be good…”
Sure enough, as we rounded the corner we saw, smack dab in the middle of nowhere, an old, very inebriated man, stumbling along.  We collectively held out breaths as the man approached the slow moving vehicle and attempted to speak to us.  We all looked straight ahead and locked our doors in unison.

Once we finally arrived safety at our destination, we all breathed a sigh of relief only to turn around to find the man behind us and making his way in our direction.
“How did he get here so quickly?”
“Someone must have picked him up, he was at least a 10 minute drive back.”
We stared out at the lake while his slurred words drew nearer and nearer.  He reached us and began complimenting me on my shapely legs.  We tried to politely dismiss him until he turned away and then the three of us were off, down the bridge and into the forest on the other side of the bridge.  Once down the path, we began to explore our surroundings: a huge pile of broken glass and an entire men’s outfit abandoned in the dirt.
“Let’s go this way,” Kennedy insisted as she lead us further and further down a narrowing path.  On and on she walked forward in silence, as if in a trance.  Suddenly she froze and stared straight ahead, we all felt uneasy, as if there were another presence with us in the forest.
“Someone just ran across the path.”
“I think we should turn back before we see something we don’t want to see,” I suggested.

Back at the bridge, we stayed on the far end while smoking doobies and eating trail mix.  We all finally began to relax.
Kennedy peered down to the other end of the bridge.  “Is he still down there?  What if he’s waiting for us at the car?”
We tried to reassure her, but when we started up to leave he was by the car, slowly circling around it.  The moment he turned his back we all bolted in and drove away as quickly as possible.



Negative Nancy

Shortly after I decided to swear off men, the energy surrounding this beautiful place shifted. I can pinpoint the exact moment I felt it.

The night of Violet’s birthday my roommate Kathy had joined me and actively voiced her desire to do mushrooms, she even had a gram all ready to go. I assured her that Violet would bring plenty of mush and we’d all partake with her.  A few of us arrived down at the beach and began making a fire.  Kathy began growing concerned that it was getting late and that she wouldn’t have enough time to come down before she had to go to work, so she decided to eat hers.  I accompanied Violet back to staff housing and made my enquiry.
“Dude! I just sold the last of it! I have one left though, you can have it.”
Not wanting to leave Kathy tripping alone at a party full of people she didn’t know, I did what any good friend would do: I ate that mushroom capsule.
The crowd around the fire was growing and I could feel myself getting higher.  People’s faced became covered with geometric patterns, but yet I was still engaging in full and sensical conversations.  Kathy and I went on a pee mission and when we entered the bushes we both gasped.  All the leaves were glowing neon green and appeared as thousands of hands reaching up, beckoning me to lie on them.  I collapsed backwards onto the awaiting hands.
“Wow,” Kathy remarked, “Your hair looks like it’s alive, growing into the bushes. You’re like… their queen.”
That was my last happy memory of the night.

Back at the fire, I was continuing to have in-depth conversations whilst staring off into space when a couple guys started talking to us, one was named “Alex.”
“Do you wanna go splash in the water?” He asked me.
“Of course!” I exclaimed and the two of us began skipping out to the ridiculously low tide.
“How do you know Violet?” I asked.
“I don’t,” he said, “I just moved here after being discharged from the military… Should I marry her?” On the way back to the fire he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and began running with me.
“Stop!” I screamed, “Put me down!”
“Ask me anything!” He commanded as he released me. “Ask me how many men I’ve killed, go ahead, ask me!”
“No,” I stated, “Are you just fucking with me because I’m high?”
“What? No, why would I do that?”

Back at the fire I tried to stay away from him. Kathy and I sat off to the side of the now 50+ person bonfire and listened to my friend play guitar.  Suddenly “Alex” returned and started screaming at my friend to play Bob Dylan.  When my friend ignored him he screamed, “You people are all fucking retarded!” and stormed off.
“Oh my God, I’m so scared of that guy!” I cried, “He’s going to kill me!”
“It’s okay,” Kathy insisted, “We’ll be fine, you’re just high.”
We made our way through the crowd and found our beautiful Kennedy, all swollen and chipmunked after having her wisdom teeth removed, chewing away on weed fudge.  The 3 of us ran out onto the wet sand and towards the surf and admired the glowing phosphoresces that appeared under every step we took.  We stared back towards the lodge, the sky was overcast, but the stars were still shining through in an eery, sinister way.  In the distance, the various lighthouses cast ominous lights. Something felt different, not right.
Back at the fire Kathy became fearful of “Alex” and insisted she and I go back with the now departing Kennedy.  I was in the midst of smoking a joint in the hopes of calming my nerves and promised I would return shortly in the company of my friend Jack.  I assured her that he was completely sober and would keep me safe.  The two of us began our trek back and sure enough “Alex” appeared and began to say some hostile things to Jack.  We both walked away, “Man that guy’s weird,” Jack commented.
“He’s the one that’s going to skin me!”

On the way back and as I came down, Jack began to retail me with ghost stories from the very bay we’d just been partying in.  Apparently, a tourist shot himself in the head there and on occasions a spooky presence had manifested in that spot.  Suddenly he stopped. “Do you hear that?”
“What?” We listened carefully and in the distance we could hear a grinding metal sound.
“A bike?” I suggested.
“Maybe, but whoa, what’s that?” He pointed up beyond the tree-line where two bright lights were circulating towards the sky in perfect unison.
“What the hell is that?” I asked.
“Headlights,” he declared.
“But why are they moving in a circular motion like that?”
“They’re headlights, let’s go!”

Back at the lodge, Jack went up to get a drink of water from the hose while I sat on a beach chair waiting for him.  A little ways down the beach I could see a bright blue light.  Although I was coming down, I was still having weird visuals and I couldn’t tell if the light was coming towards me or was on a stationary post.  It seemed to be moving, but only up and down and if it belonged to a person, shouldn’t they be close enough that I could see them?
“Hey Jack,” I called as he came down the stairs, “Is that light on a post or a person?”
“I don’t know, but it’s coming closer!” The two of us ran up the path with Jack’s blanket wrapped around us for protection.

Back at staff housing we were all reunited and safe, but I still felt uneasy. As I tried to sleep I felt fearful that “Alex” would find me. I wracked my brain for any information I may have given him: that I was staying at staff accom, that I worked at the lodge, the neighbourhood I lived in, but I came up with nothing. I assured myself that I was safe and that tomorrow would be a better day, but the negativity began to grow and fester.

To be continued…


Why I’m Giving Up Men

“The month of June, astrologically speaking, is all about choice,” she said as a gaggle of women sat on my deck passing around my heart emblazoned pipe and discussing life.
“Choice” the word really rang true to me.  I’d made the choice to end the emotionally trying situation with Dan.  I’d made the choice to focus on myself and my relationships with friends and family.  I’d made the choice to focus on my dreams and aspirations and in order to do so, I’d made the choice to give up all men.  Seriously.  No men, no sex, no dating, no romantic interactions for one full year.  Before you scoff, hear me out…

Since I can remember I was a relationship kind of girl.  In high school I pined after any guy who looked my way, I dated any guy who showed even an ounce of interest in me.  I settled into unhappy relationships and stayed in them no matter how unhealthy.  I refused to ever end a relationship no matter how much my conscious mind relayed its doubts.  Instead, I acted like a miserable spoiled cunt until the guy left me and then I’d bemoan that I had bad dating luck, become a crazy girl and then it was onto the next one: whoever I could find to take their place.  Never did I put my own happiness first.  Dating was almost an excuse, if I focused all my attention and energy on securing a man, that meant I didn’t have to focus on pesky details such as, oh I don’t know, having my own dreams, setting my own goals.  At no time in my adult life have I put men aside to focus on myself.  Pretty pathetic huh?  I’m what you might call a hopeless romantic.  I’ve always wanted to find my other half, someone who would make me feel complete; an inexpressible love for another human being.  So I put pressure on myself to find him and I set up a timeline: I wanted to be with the man I was going to marry by the age of 21.  Anytime I slept with a guy I instantly fell in love and began fantasizing about our potential life together.  I searched high and low for someone to shower my love and devotion on and all the while I never considered loving myself.  At least, not until now that I’m older and somewhat wiser that I realize the old cliche is true:
Before anyone can love you, you must love yourself.
How simple and yet so accurate.  No one wants to be with someone who is needy and desperate.  We all want to surround ourselves with those who are content with their lives, those who ooze confidence and are secure in who they are.

The idea to give up men came to me while I sat chatting with my very wise roommate.
“After my divorce,” he told me, “I swore off women for an entire year.  I was sitting in a bar one night when I realized it had been a year to the day that I made that vow.  That very night, I met Carly,” he explained, pulling his girlfriend closer to him while she smiled at him in adoration.
Swearing off dating and focusing on myself?  It seemed so obvious, I couldn’t believe I’d never considered it before.  Although insecure in my younger years, I know now that I am an attractive woman.  I’m petite and slender, with killer legs and awesome breasts.  I have a porcelain complexion, stunning blue eyes and a huge head of blonde curls.  I can confidently state that I am one hot piece of ass who attracts a fair share of admirers.  I’ve relied heavily on male attention rather than putting time into making connections with other females.  I’ve flirted with men and used their attention to get what I wanted.  Rather than strive to improve myself, I’ve sought out guys to focus my attention on.

I can’t completely curse men though.  My failed relationship with Matt was what gave me the kick in the butt to move here and get my schooling started.  My failed endeavours with Dan have inspired me to finish said schooling and to go out and finally live the life I’ve always wanted.  It was this last defeated relationship that has forced me to reflect inwards at my own behaviour, it’s what made me finally realize that in order to get what I want in life I need to focus entirely on me and not be distracted by someone else’s wants and needs.

One year… completely alone… God help me.