“The month of June, astrologically speaking, is all about choice,” she said as a gaggle of women sat on my deck passing around my heart emblazoned pipe and discussing life.
“Choice” the word really rang true to me. I’d made the choice to end the emotionally trying situation with Dan. I’d made the choice to focus on myself and my relationships with friends and family. I’d made the choice to focus on my dreams and aspirations and in order to do so, I’d made the choice to give up all men. Seriously. No men, no sex, no dating, no romantic interactions for one full year. Before you scoff, hear me out…
Since I can remember I was a relationship kind of girl. In high school I pined after any guy who looked my way, I dated any guy who showed even an ounce of interest in me. I settled into unhappy relationships and stayed in them no matter how unhealthy. I refused to ever end a relationship no matter how much my conscious mind relayed its doubts. Instead, I acted like a miserable spoiled cunt until the guy left me and then I’d bemoan that I had bad dating luck, become a crazy girl and then it was onto the next one: whoever I could find to take their place. Never did I put my own happiness first. Dating was almost an excuse, if I focused all my attention and energy on securing a man, that meant I didn’t have to focus on pesky details such as, oh I don’t know, having my own dreams, setting my own goals. At no time in my adult life have I put men aside to focus on myself. Pretty pathetic huh? I’m what you might call a hopeless romantic. I’ve always wanted to find my other half, someone who would make me feel complete; an inexpressible love for another human being. So I put pressure on myself to find him and I set up a timeline: I wanted to be with the man I was going to marry by the age of 21. Anytime I slept with a guy I instantly fell in love and began fantasizing about our potential life together. I searched high and low for someone to shower my love and devotion on and all the while I never considered loving myself. At least, not until now that I’m older and somewhat wiser that I realize the old cliche is true:
Before anyone can love you, you must love yourself.
How simple and yet so accurate. No one wants to be with someone who is needy and desperate. We all want to surround ourselves with those who are content with their lives, those who ooze confidence and are secure in who they are.
The idea to give up men came to me while I sat chatting with my very wise roommate.
“After my divorce,” he told me, “I swore off women for an entire year. I was sitting in a bar one night when I realized it had been a year to the day that I made that vow. That very night, I met Carly,” he explained, pulling his girlfriend closer to him while she smiled at him in adoration.
Swearing off dating and focusing on myself? It seemed so obvious, I couldn’t believe I’d never considered it before. Although insecure in my younger years, I know now that I am an attractive woman. I’m petite and slender, with killer legs and awesome breasts. I have a porcelain complexion, stunning blue eyes and a huge head of blonde curls. I can confidently state that I am one hot piece of ass who attracts a fair share of admirers. I’ve relied heavily on male attention rather than putting time into making connections with other females. I’ve flirted with men and used their attention to get what I wanted. Rather than strive to improve myself, I’ve sought out guys to focus my attention on.
I can’t completely curse men though. My failed relationship with Matt was what gave me the kick in the butt to move here and get my schooling started. My failed endeavours with Dan have inspired me to finish said schooling and to go out and finally live the life I’ve always wanted. It was this last defeated relationship that has forced me to reflect inwards at my own behaviour, it’s what made me finally realize that in order to get what I want in life I need to focus entirely on me and not be distracted by someone else’s wants and needs.
One year… completely alone… God help me.