As I write this, it has been 2 months. 2 months since I’ve slept with a guy, kissed a guy, had any romantic interactions with a guy. Zip, zero, not even a flirtatious smile from across a crowded room. Nothing. It’s a good thing, this is what I wanted after all, but to not even meet one interesting guy and to constantly be thinking of he-who-shall-not-be-named, (and wondering if he ever thinks about me) it’s a huge bummer.
Lately, I have been really wanting to hookup with a random. Just find a sexy tourist, throw down with him and never see him again. No drama, no bullshit. But the chances of meeting this hot fictional man seems slim. Mind you, I haven’t gotten out of my comfort zone and gone out in an attempt to meet him, but a part of me sighs, “Why bother? I’ve lasted this long, what’s the rest of the summer?”
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the fact that I am full of excuses. The first reason I can think of to not do something, I take it. Even when I am completely single I still find myself not making time to reach my goals. Now that I am working a second job I feel that I have extra incentive for bailing on my school work and my writing. Oh, I’m just so tired, I deserve to chill out, relax and get super drunk and high.
I feel like I’ve been pretty good lately. I’ve been good at not thinking about him. I know it’s stupid and not worth my time, but my mind can’t help but wander. Luckily I’ve been so busy at work I don’t even have a spare second to allow my mind to wander. Even on my days off I’m too busy running around doing errands, but its times like these: the off moments like right now when my mind really dwells on it.
Stupid, I know. I hate myself for it, but how can you just turn off your feelings? Real or imagined. When I fall, I fall hard and it’s difficult for me to differentiate between sex and love. Once I have had sex with a guy, I feel an emotional attachment to him.
I just need time, once enough time has passed I can turn back and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” but I’m not there yet. I just need to focus on working towards my travel plans so I can visit a new world, with new people, food and experiences. Where I live is so magical and beautiful and yet it’s so limited. Those that make this their home have nowhere to expand or grow, they’re stuck exactly where they are. But for me, this is just a launching point to a whole series of new adventures. If I were to date someone here, I would have even more incentive to fuck off from my responsibilities. My roommate started dating someone and I haven’t seen her in weeks. She texted me once to ask what kind of birth control I was on and if she could borrow some. I faintly remember those days… the days when you start a new relationship and all you can see is each other, everything else, everyone else is out of focus. Those magical, whimsical first few weeks before everything starts to go to shit. Perhaps I’m just bitter because I’m not getting laid and have ZERO prospects. It’s funny, because right now I don’t even want sex, but my libido cones in waves. There will be days when all I can do is fantasize about getting thrown down onto a bed, but right now I can’t even recall what it’s like to have sex and I don’t even care. Ughhh… The draught continues…