Do you believe in love?
I’m talking romantic love, the “real thing,” the kind of love that makes you weak at the knees.
I’m not sure that I do anymore.
I used to be one of those hopeless romantics, but lately I’ve been thinking back to my past relationships. Never have I been with someone who was as stoked on me as I was on them. There was always this unevenness:
If I was crazy about them, they’d want nothing to do with me
If they were totally in love with me, I felt lukewarm towards them.
Is that always how it has to be in relationships? One person cares less and since they hold the power to end the relationship they hold all the cards. Is it possible for two people to have the same amount of love for each other?
A while ago, someone asked me if I’d ever been in love. I stopped, thought about it and answered truthfully: “No, I have never been in love.” I’ve told someone that I loved them, in fact, I’ve said it to a few people. But they were just words; a tool to move the relationship forward; the obvious next step when you’ve been dating someone for a significant amount of time. I’ve never actually felt the emotion, or at least what I think it must feel like.
When I was describing my horrific dream the other night I mentioned how vulnerable I felt. This is true about most dreams I have, I feel really strong emotions. I’ve felt love before in a dream and it was completely different from anything I’ve ever experienced in real life. I think in this dream I was in college, living in a dorm, the details are sketchy at best but I was dating this guy, again, not a “real person” with a name or a face, but more of a presence. In this dream I felt love so strong for this person that it engulfed my entire body and mind, it radiated out of me. I knew that this man was the one, for once in my life I was entirely certain. When I awoke I felt sad and guilty. Sad that it was just a dream and guilty because I was in a relationship with a real life man and didn’t feel a shred of those emotions towards him.
I want to believe love does exist and that it will happen to me. I’d like to think that one day (once I’ve found myself) that I could meet a man and we would both look at each other and know. No hassle, no bullshit, no games, no drama. Just two people, love at first sight. Maybe that won’t happen and since I’m through settling for passionless relationships and eager to travel and see the world and since I am creeping up on my 30s there is a good chance that I may become that cat-loving-spinster I’m always joking about and that’s okay, I’d rather have a life than be someones wife. But I have to admit, if only to myself, that love and marriage and children is still something I’d like to have in my life… one day.
Maybe it’s the crappy weather that has put me in this self-reflective funk. Or maybe it’s that I’ve been smoking too much weed and sleeping 12 hours a night. Or maybe it’s the fact that the first guy I slept with in nearly 4 months fled the town (and the island) immediately after. It’s probably a lot of things but it’s got me thinking…