The last couple weeks have been a blur. A busy, hectic, stressful blur. On top of a non-stop work schedule I was also struggling to get myself organized and packed.
On one such day I was riding my bike to work, calculating the amount of hours of work I had left when my phone started ringing. My phone was in my pocket and I can talk through my headphones so I answered without looking at the call display.
“Hey, how are you?” asked the male voice on the other end.
“Who is this?” I hesitantly asked.
“It’s Matthew!” he exclaimed, clearly offended, “I can’t believe you don’t have my number anymore.”
“No, no, I have it. Just on my bike so I can’t see who’s calling,” I countered. “Anyway, how’s it going?”
I wasn’t all that surprised to hear from him, he had been Snap Chatting me non-stop over the past month and I had partaken in the flirty banter. I may have sworn off Matt months previously, but I had reconnected with him in the hopes of having wild passionate goodbye sex before I took off for my adventure.
He told me how excited he was to see me when I got back into town and we made small talk before I arrived at work and said goodbye.
What an interesting turn of events.
I worked my double and started to bike home when my phone chimed with the sound of a text message. I peered down at the screen: It was from Jess.
“Hey, back for the weekend. Are you in town? I’d really like to see you before you go.”
I am not exaggerating when I say the last time I spoke to Jess was when we slept together nearly 3 months prior. I hadn’t heard a peep from him, but I knew he had been away working the entire time so I didn’t think too much of it.
Damn, am I that good that the last couple guys I slept with are desperate to get in one last roll in the hay before I leave? All I need is a message from Dan and I’ll be 3 for 3.
(I was slightly hopeful, but of course, that never came.)
Back at home, I began my reply:
“Long time no talk. I leave Monday actually!”
“Damn! We should overnight” he suggested playfully.
I sat on my bed for a long time just staring at my phone, trying to come up with a response.
The smart, responsible part of me reasoned that I was way too busy to host him. But the horny and desperate part of me thought back to our last encounter with excitement.
Forget what you should or shouldn’t do. What do you WANT to do? I asked myself.
It didn’t take long for me to decide and I typed out a response:
“We should overnight. How about tomorrow?”
“Cool, I’m in town with a friend though. Can she crash?”
An unexpected obstacle.
“Sure, I work late but I’ll text you when I’m off.”
When I finished work, I sent Jess a quick message and began my journey home in the pouring rain. When I walked into my house I saw Jess’ head stick around the corner, “Hey!” he said with a huge smile on his face. He and his friend Ashley were hanging out, waiting for me to get home. I suddenly felt overwhelming discomfort. Was I supposed to entertain them? Did she know what he had come here for? Should we just immediately retire to the bedroom or should we have a bit more tact?
“I have a nice bottle of wine, if you guys wanna have some,” I suggested.
We drank the wine and chit-chatted, Ashley was really cool and I enjoyed hearing the two of them reminisce on childhood memories.
Jess rolled a joint for Ashley and I to smoke and I felt myself begin to relax.
I loudly vocalized how tired I felt. Jess followed me downstairs to my bedroom.
We briefly caught each other up on our respective lives and then got down to business. Once again, we only kissed twice and there was little to no foreplay. It was exactly what I needed.
In the morning he made Ash and I breakfast and the two of them left to go surfing. They invited me to join, but I bemoaned all of the packing I had to deal with. We hugged, said our goodbyes and parted ways and I began attempting to sort out the chaos that was my bedroom.
I barely made it out of town in one piece, but somehow, despite all the procrastination, I pulled it off. I said goodbye to most of the people I wanted to and stared out the bus window sadly at the passing scenery, wondering if I would ever return back to this magical place.
When I got back to my hometown and set up at my moms house I was bombarded with messages from Matt asking when we were going to hang out. Now that I had gotten my kicks from Jess I didn’t feel the same enthusiasm about reuniting with Matt. I felt bad about the way I had completely cut him out when I left town and did genuinely want to reconnect with him. I knew if I saw him that I’d probably want to sleep with him and I just wasn’t sure if it was wise to go down that path again. He and I had history, it wasn’t as simple as sex. I made plans to go for coffee with him the day before I was leaving to visit my university friends. We sipped our cappuccinos and he asked me if I wanted to smoke with him back at his house. Since I was on a mission to smoke all the ganja I could before leaving the country and since I was enjoying his company, I agreed. We sat on his deck listening to music and passing the pipe back and forth. I decided to go home and start getting organized for my weekend in the city and he took it upon himself to join me.
Back at my mom’s (empty) house I packed while he tried to flirt with me. I was still on the fence.
“Sorry to be rude, but I’m gonna quickly call my friend back, I missed his call earlier.”
He dialled and lifted his phone up to his ear, “Sorry I missed your call man.”
The volume was up so high I could hear his friends response from across the room, loud and clear as he said: “Yeah you were too busy fucking your girlfriend.”
Matt chuckled and responded: “Not yet, but soon enough man, soon enough.”
That was enough to make my decision for me. Matt had not changed; he was still a pompous asshole who bragged about me to his friends and honestly believed he was in control of our relationship.
“I really need to get organized here, I have to ask you to leave,” I told him as sweetly as I could muster. He looked shocked, but we hugged and parted ways.
Part 2: Back in the City
Cut to Friday night. My girlfriends and I were crowded around the mirror, primping and prepping for a night on the town. I was determined to dress up, look like a lady and dance up a storm in the city. I stepped out wearing a modest, black dress that hugged every curve and showed off my slender legs adorned in high leather boots. My hair fell in beachy waves around my made-up face. I hadn’t seen this glamorous side of myself in almost 6 months. I looked damn good.
We met up with some friends at the pub and began to drink excessively.
“Oh my god, it’s that ginger that I made out with at your party!” Jane exclaimed. “I feel like I should apologize and buy him a drink after how rude I was to him.” (An entire other story in itself.) Off she went as I continued to slam drinks. It was nearing midnight and I was desperate to go dancing. I was dancing on the spot and calling out to Jane and Andi (who were busy chatting up Gingy and his friend.) Jack laughed and pulled me in for a hug, “Get your girls, go dancing, find a sexy man and take him home with you. You deserve it!” he told me.
I laughed, “I just want a dance, I’m not looking for a man,” I assured him.
I finally dragged my friends and their new tag-alongs downstairs to the club.
At the club, Jane and Gingy immediately disappeared, Andi disappeared shortly after and I was stuck with Gingy’s friend. The friend was cute and nice enough, but he kept trying to cuddle with me. While waiting for a drink at the bar a young guy approached me, “This is going to sound really weird, but I went to high school and elementary school with you, although I was 4 years younger and I was so totally in love with you growing up and I just had to tell you,” he said, starting away.
“Wait!” I called, “Who are you?”
We started to chat about elementary school and the like when suddenly the Friend grabbed my wrist and pulled me away, “What the hell are you doing?” I asked, “I was having a conversation with him!”
I sat the Friend down and told him straight up: “Look, I’m not gonna get with you, I’m not interested in you, I wanna go dance and do my own thing, so you may as well give up this chase now.”
“I can’t help it, you’re just so hot,” he complained.
“I know…” I said, still feeling insanely confident. “Here…” I grabbed him by the collar, made out with him for 30 seconds and then pushed him away.
“Man you just made it so much worst,” he moaned.
I abandoned him to join Andi on the dance floor. I’m used to dudes trying to cut in when I’m out doing my thing and that night was no exception. But one such man immediately caught my eye. This one was different: he was tall, blonde and insanely gorgeous. The two of us started dancing up a storm; we were spinning and dipping and grinding and shaking. Within minutes we were pressed up against the glass, passionately making out on the dance floor. I felt 19 again.
The bar was closing and I went to gather my jacket while he got us some water. We went up the street and he excused himself to go get his coat. I stood with my friends, swaying back and forth, “Should I go home with him?” I asked them, “I really want to!”
“Do it!” Andi insisted, “He’s fucking hot.”
When he re-emerged we climbed into a cab. No words needed to be spoken, we both knew it was going down. In the cab, I asked as an afterthought: “Hey, what’s your name?”
There was no one home at his townhouse and the two us retired to his room and began to go at it. He stripped down to reveal a chiseled body, covered in tattoos and the hugest dick I’d ever seen. I was in heaven. This is going to be AWESOME! Oh how wrong I was.
The sex was… too rough… and too short. 5 minutes into it he stopped suddenly and stood up.
“The condom broke,” he informed me.
“So? Put another one on and let’s keep going.”
“No, I’m done. I’m not going to be ready again for a looooonnnggg time.”
“Wait, what? It broke? And your done?” My head was swimming.
“Don’t worry about it, there’s something we can get for you in the morning…”
I wasn’t concerned about that (I always have a back up form of birth control, thank you IUD!) I was more upset about the possibility of having anything less than a clean bill of health. I pride myself on being very safe and careful and now all of that was destroyed. While I lay there lost in my own thoughts, there were several knocks on the door.
To my shock and horror, he called out: “Come in!”
The door swung open and I dove under the duvet in shame.
His friends chatted with him at the door and then one asked, “Is there someone in your bed?”
I stuck my head out shyly. “Hi,” I said timidly as they awkwardly introduced themselves. They left and closed the door behind them.
“Do you want some chips and juice?” he asked excitedly, “I’ll get us some. I have Dorrito’s Cool Ranch, Dorrito’s Spicy, Dorrito’s Original.”
“Anything besides Dorritos?”
“I have Miss Vickies!”
He disappeared in search of the chips while I tried to sort out this random turn of events.
He reappeared, chips in hand and started setting up Netflix. There was a knock on the door again and a girl entered and informed him, “I’m going to pick up some stuff. Do you want in? Give me money. Also, I need to borrow your scooter.”
Suddenly it made so much sense. This guy wasn’t drunk. He and his friends were ridiculously high on coke. And about to do more, at 3 am.
“Shit, I forgot the juice, I’ll be right back!” he exclaimed excitedly and ran out.
This is all too much to deal with. I didn’t sign up for chips and a movie, I signed up for spontaneous, random sex. I’ve got to get out of here.
I started gathering all my stuff and getting my clothes on. When he returned he seemed genuinely disappointed.
I walked out past all his friends and said a hasty goodbye. He walked me to the front door. I can’t remember if I left without a word or I may have said, “Well, it’s been interesting,” but my exit was awkward and uncouth. I walked towards the street, while crying on the phone to Kennedy.
“Every time I try to have a one night stand it is SO disappointing!” I whined. I cabbed to her friends house and the 3 of us smoked copious amounts of weed and talked about our nights. I declared that the next time I slept with a guy, he was going to have to really work for it. I don’t need a relationship, but some sort of sentiment or anticipation would be nice.
Now here I sit. En route to New Zealand on a journey to find myself. I have no solid plans, no expectations and have no idea what the future holds for me. But I’m just going to go with the flow, say ‘Yes’ to every opportunity and hope for the best.