Unspoken Rules of Dating

Some time ago I found myself single for the first time in 5 years.
Having never dated as an adult, I was at a total and utter loss.
What the fuck is a Tinder?
Why are all the guys are the bar so young?
How the hell do people meet these days?

I rebounded immediately with Matthew and assumed all my dating experiences would be as breezy.  After all:
He approached me and we immediately hit it off.
It was the best sex I’ve ever had.
He treated me with all the respect of a girlfriend but we had the freedom to do whatever/whomever we liked.
It was easy.  Simple.
Every guy since then?  Not so much…

When I met Dan I was immediately smitten.  I felt I’d played it pretty cool and that we’d fallen into a similar, easy situation.
When he transitioned me to a secret booty call, I was confused.
But he had genuinely seemed to like me….
That’s when I remembered that people are assholes and most guys will say or do whatever it takes to get a lady in the sack.

There are a few unspoken rules regarding dating.  From what I’ve seen and pieced together over the past couple years these include but aren’t limited to:

  1. Don’t have sex on the first date
  2. Wait at least 2 hours before texting back; be sure to prepare the coolest and wittiest response possible
  3. Don’t discuss past relationships
  4. Never disclose your ‘number’ or give them any indication you’ve ever had sex with anyone else
  5. Most importantly: Do not EVER let them know how much you like them

I hate these rules.
I love sex and don’t want to wait an allotted amount of time only to potentially get fucked and chucked anyway.
Any guy who would judge me on my sexual past doesn’t deserve a place in my life anyway.

Can’t we just be honest with each other?  Can’t I just tell a guy how I feel about him to ensure we’re on the page before we invest too much time or someone gets hurt.

Let’s change the way we date guys!


Watched this music video and now all I wanna do is make out with someone.
Anyone else find the tension palpable and the male figure sexily ambiguous?
Maybe I’m alone on this one.


Sex Interviews

My friend Andi was griping to us girls.  After a six month draught, she finally slept with a guy she went to high school with.  She was horrified by his weird sex noises and her lack of an orgasm, but how could she have known it’d be so disappointing?
That’s when I came up with the brilliant idea of sex interviews.  Think about it… You wouldn’t hire someone without first interviewing them and comparing them to other contenders.  You wouldn’t entrust your children to someone you just met.  So why your orgasms?  Some might argue that the first roll in the hay is like a trial, but I say there should be a less violating and more practical way to find out if a man is good at sex. This is my brilliant plan for recruiting my next sex buddy, tell me what you think guys.

The Interview Process:

  • All applicants must arrive with a CV.  This will consist of a “Head Shot” (hehe) of their erect penis.  Resume should include but not be limited to: special skills, sexual likes and dislikes and any known fetishes.
  • All candidates must provide references for the last three women they were intimate with.
  • The interview process will last 20 minutes and will contain questions such as:
    “What is your stance on cuddling?” and
    “How many times can you go in one night?”
  • Following the interview there will be a one minute trial make out session.  This will be followed with a sex preview in which the candidate will demonstrate their best moves on a mannequin.
  • The process will conclude with an STD test.

What will the winning contender get out of this?  Why, the pleasure of sex with me of course.  Whenever, wherever.


Dad Bod Bullshit

I tried to avoid it, but I have to put my two cents in on this topic.

While scrolling through Facebook I came across several links with titles proclaiming something along the lines of: ‘The Dad Bod – The New Trend Women Are Crazy For!’ along with a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio looking rather chubby. This infuriated me.
First of all, Leo is the fucking man. He’s suave, rich, handsome and an amazing actor. He could gain 100 pounds and still successfully bed all the Victoria Secret Models. The rest of you: No!

Secondly, shouldn’t we, as a culture, be encouraging healthy lifestyles? I thought we were trying to become a less obese society, lower diabetes and take some pressure off the healthcare system. Telling young men that drinking beer, eating garbage and not exercising will only make them more appealing to the opposite sex is super counter productive.

I’ll tell you why this initially made me mad: Never in my lifetime will an article be titled: ‘Saggy Butts and Bellies – The Body Type Men Are Going Gaga For!’ because we live in a sexist, stupid, hypocritical society and I’ve come to terms with this. But come on! This is just rubbing it in.

I’m at the age where I think dad-types are sexy. Nothing gets me going like a salt-and-peppered distinguished man of a certain age. I am attracted to healthy looking older men. Not dudes with bigger breasts than me, who get winded walking up a flight of stairs and who could potentially suffocate me during sex.

I’m in no ways trying to fat bash or say people who are overweight are lazy. We’re all prone to fluctuating weight. I myself have ballooned, standing at 5’2” a gain of 10 pounds is extremely obvious on me. There were times in my life when all I ate was McDonald’s. If I was stressed or tired or depressed or busy, my physique suffered for it.
I don’t expect the men in my life to have ripped, tight bodies. My ex had moobs and was the definition of ‘skinny fat.’ He was also busy working two jobs while going to school and barely had time to cook or workout, but he wasn’t being an all-out glutton by any means. I’m not perfect. I’ve been known to eat crap, smoke and drink in excess, but for the most part I am conscious of what I put in my body. I exercise, I eat lots of fruits and veggies and I usually only drink water. I do these things so that once in a while I can get stoned, eat an entire pizza, a bag of chips and a chocolate bar. If I want something, I don’t deprive myself of it ever, but it’s the 80/20 approach. I need to counter those bad eating habits or I’m going to have some serious problems in the future.

I’m almost 30, if someone is going to share a life with me then they need to share my semi-healthy outlook on life or they’ll only be weighing me down, literally and metaphorically.