Itching for Intimacy

I was finally nearing my new departure date and as excited as I was, I felt that I needed to make more effort to be social, before it was too late and I would have to say goodbye and possibly never see some of these people again.
I guess that’s what brought me out to the “Christmas in August” party that night.  I’d been invited, all my friends were going, it sounded fun and festive and besides, I already had something for the gift exchange.

It was enjoyable, but a smaller gathering than I’d imagined and we all ended up at the local bar.  I was well-pissed and my crew and I smoked spliff after spliff.  Somehow, at some point in the night, I had attracted the attention of a gorgeous French man named Felix.  The festivities were winding down and Felix was really putting on the moves and trying to convince me to come home with him.  I’d seen him come on strongly to Kennedy in the same smooth manner, but I was still tempted, I’d always thought he was such a babe.  After a little push from one of my girlfriends, I gave in and Felix and I abruptly and discreetly made our exit.
Back at his house we had hot, drunken sex and although it was hazy, I remembered it being good.  Definitely the best sex I’ve had in the country.
In the morning, we were both feeling worse for wear.  I lay out on his deck in the sun, falling in and out of consciousness, while he got ready for work.  I went with him into town, feeling a little awkward and not knowing what to say.  To my surprise, he asked for my number when we parted ways and a couple days later, he asked me to hangout…

At the time, I was at my digs, way out in the country and we struck a deal that if he came and picked me up, I would supply the weed.  I expected nothing more than for us to get stoned and get it on, after all, whenever Ted and I got together I would barely be in the door before his tongue was down my throat, his fingers peeling off my clothes and his strong arms leading me to the bedroom… So I was taken aback when Felix asked if I wanted to have a couple beers at the beach and watch the sunset.
We sat overlooking the water, listening to French rap on his car stereo, and passing a spliff back and forth.  We talked a lot, about anything and everything, I had no idea that the two of us had so much in common.  When it grew darker, we went into town so he could pinch the library WiFi to check something on his phone.  Of course we ran into heaps of people we knew and they all gave us that knowing look while they asked what we were up to.  Ah, one of the many drawbacks of living in a small town, your business is never your own…

The two of us stopped for groceries and a bottle of wine and together, we cooked a nice pasta dinner while sipping wine and smoking doobies.  We sat on the couch and the conversation flowed as easily as the vino.  Eventually, we retired to his room to enjoy a more passionate and intense sex session and then passed out in each others arms.
In the morning, we had sex again, but it was hard to focus as I could hear various people coming in and out of the house and talking loudly outside his door.
We came out to investigate and there were a bunch of random friends of his absent roommate, hanging out in the living room smoking weed.  I had a couple puffs, but began to feel awkward.  I hate that ‘walk of shame’ feeling and even though I really wanted to shower, I asked Felix to drop me off in town so I could run some errands before meeting up with a friend for coffee.  But mostly, I wanted to leave because I had really enjoyed our date and was scared of the inevitable rejection and pain that would surely ensue…

That night revealed some deep emotions that I’d been fighting to keep down.  It became glaringly obvious that I was craving some real intimacy in my life.  As much as I denied and avoided it, I wanted to get to know someone and maybe even care about them; I wanted to talk all night until the sun rose; I wanted the beautiful experience of making love to someone and really feeling connected to them.  The realization was truly terrifying.  Dan was the last guy I liked, the last guy who took me on activities resembling a date.  That entire experience left me feeling so stupid and vulnerable, that I’d been dodging it ever since by filling my life with meaningless sex with a string of unworthy men.  But even though I realized that I wanted to date, I still felt too frightened of caring too much, or getting let down.

I hoped to run into Felix again, but I never got in touch with him before I left.  I was too confused about my own emotions and still convinced that I had imagined the whole night.

I’ve resolved to continue shoving these thoughts of intimacy aside and keeping myself as distracted from men as possible this summer.  God help me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s