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Moon Musings

Why shouldn’t I write here?  Underneath mother moon, so full she looks likely to burst.  She shines down upon me, inspiring me, my cancer self ruled by her glorious power.  The waves crash beside me and I can see just fine, so why not?  The sea.  My fucking one true love.  Just being in it’s presence, hearing its gentle lullaby soothes me.  

Here I sit, asking myself: Is the reason I feel alienated from my co-workers because I alienate myself?  I spend a lot of time with Nick and probably miss out on potential bonding time.  In retrospect, maybe I spend all this time with him in an effort to get out of the hostel.  I like the people I know and the snobbish ones, I don’t care to know.
And Nick.  What the fuck should I do about Nick?!  He has kids!  But we did finally discuss them…

It was one night night, after he sleep sex attacked me (it’s like he’s sleep walking, but all he does is feel me up and mumble gibberish) we both ended up wide awake and talking.  As much as I dislike being woken from my sweet slumber, we end up having our best conversations in the veil of darkness, partially awake, partially in a dream.  It was during one of these conversations that the subject was broached.  He said that he would like to have kids, someday in the future.  I responded, “I was under the impression you already have children…”
He got really quiet and finally said, “Yeah, I didn’t know how to tell you.  I was going to, that night at the brewery but then you and Jill started talking about how you would never date a guy who had kids and what a turn off it was…”
Shit.
I apologized, but scolded him for not telling me something so monumental.  Yet, since my discovery and now that I have had time to reflect on it, I feel okay about it.
He began telling me about his ex-wife who he met at his time as a Youth Councillor through his church.  She was a recovering drug addict and 6 years his senior who convinced him to rush into a relationship, marriage and kids… Things got violent apparently on her part, although she accused him of such behaviour as well.
“This doesn’t change the way I feel about you,” I told him and knew I meant it.
Maybe because they’re not physically present in his life, it’s easier to cope with.  Or maybe it’s because I still don’t see a future for us, even though I kind of, sort of, want to believe it could be possible.

It’s all so confusing for me.  When I’m with him, I feel amazing; I’m confident and relaxed and completely myself.  When we’re apart, I’m relieved and yet, I miss him.  Like I said, it’s all very confusing.
The other day he referred to himself as my boyfriend and even though I keep saying I don’t want to label it, I felt tingles.
Deep down, I know I’m just filling some big hole in my life.  Wow, I had completely intended to write ‘his life‘ but instead I wrote ‘my life‘.  Isn’t that telling?  Total Freudian slip.  There you have it.  We’re both using each other in the same way.  And perhaps, just for right now, it’s okay.  This thing we have may be fleeing, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be intense and raw and beautiful all the same.  Perhaps, knowing it has an expiry date is what makes it so easy to love so honestly and openly.

Oh Nick, what are you doing to me?  Did we meet in another life?  Or several?  You’ve got me such a fucking mess.

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Romantic Musings in New Zealand

I dreamed about him last night.

Not him but the last him, “the one that got away.”

Since I’ve come here I’ve slept well and deeply (surprising since I share a double ‘bed’ in the back of a small van.)  Because I’ve had no access to weed and barely any money to spend on drinks I’ve been recalling my dreams in vivd detail.  Every morning I wake up astounded and quickly relay them to Kennedy before they’re gone forever.  I’ve even started writing them down for fear they’ll slip away.
When I woke up this morning I did not write this dream down.  In fact, I shook my head and released my mental grasp on it, letting it fade away into the recesses of my memory.  Because when I woke up the feeling that lingered was pain.
The details are non-consequential: he was there with me and it felt good, great.  Then he was gone with no explanation, no goodbye and the hurt came on loud and strong.
This is the second time I’ve dreamt of him since I got to NZ and both times were the same.  It’s funny that I don’t dream of him in a romantic or sexual way, its just these melancholy memories.  I can’t help but laugh and say: I get it subconscious, just let him go already.  He’s not for me.
And for the most part I have, I just wish I had closure.  Maybe someday…

I’ve been reflecting a lot on relationships these days.
I read Susan Miller’s predictions for me for the month of December and she reiterates what she’s been saying for a while:

Saturn, the tough taskmaster planet that seems to have been causing you frustration in terms of your love life, will move out of Scorpio and your fifth house of love on December 23 . . . [Y]ou have been coping with Saturn since October 2012, a planet that limited your enjoyment of love, but relief is finally in sight. . . .  [I]f you are single, meeting someone new was hard to do. . . . Think back to all you learned in the 2 years starting October 2012 and pat yourself on the back.

Basically my love struggles are coming to an end and it’s true that I have felt Saturn’s presence.  I spent the last year unable to really meet anyone new and those I did meet (all two of them) acted so selfishly and disappointed me so completely.  I spent the previous year plus fighting for a relationship that seemed doomed and wondering whether or not I should throw in the towel.  Susan predicts that I’ll feel that changed after the new year or after September.  Little-Miss-Hopeless-Romantic should be jumping for joy, contemplating who this new love interest might be, but instead I feel myself shrugging, Meh.

I don’t feel it, I can’t see it even in my wildest imagination and truthfully, I don’t want it.
Maybe last summer hardened me, maybe my last sexual encounter was so disappointing that it left me defeated, I don’t know what it is but something inside of me has changed.  I’m not the love sick little puppy I was months ago and that scares me, because when you’re truly happy, when you genuinely want to be single that is when a too good to pass up guy falling into your lap and fucks up your life.

It’s crazy, I’ve been without him for one year now.  In no time at all I’ll have beaten my personal record for singledom (One and a half years, but I was desperately looking and sleeping around the entire time.)  It feels good, it feels right.  Finally I feel complete and satisfied in myself, finally I realize all the freedom I have and how to focus my love on myself.  I have to ability to walk away from a bad situation and leave it in the past.  Have I looked back?  Sure, I am, if nothing, nostalgic but I haven’t turned back and haven’t even really considered it even in my lowest, drunkest states.

It’s weird, here I am at 27 years old and I feel like my life is just beginning.  Most people my age have done the “travel thing.”  They’ve seen what they want of the world and long to settle down, get married, have kids yet I’m the complete opposite.  I’ve had a taste of domesticity and I never want to go back.  I want to be free and experience the world.  I don’t mean just travelling and sight-seeing, I want to be a part of it all, I want a different life every year. I want to live and chill out in NZ.  I want to teach English in SE Asia.  I want to live in Italy and FINALLY learn Italian.  I want so many things.  It’s all finally happening.

It’s funny, when I first moved to the Resort Town I wrote about seeking independence and freedom and confidence.  This week, Kennedy went to Australia to visit some friends.  I navigated across the South Island to the most beautiful camping spot overlooking a surf beach.  I’m driving across a foreign country alone and without any doubts or hesitations.  How’s that for independence?

So much has changed in such a short time and yet here I am, sitting on the beach watching a mess of surfers fight for waves.  So much has changed in me and yet the scenery is much the same.  Nothing but good things, coming my way.