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Itching for Intimacy

I was finally nearing my new departure date and as excited as I was, I felt that I needed to make more effort to be social, before it was too late and I would have to say goodbye and possibly never see some of these people again.
I guess that’s what brought me out to the “Christmas in August” party that night.  I’d been invited, all my friends were going, it sounded fun and festive and besides, I already had something for the gift exchange.

It was enjoyable, but a smaller gathering than I’d imagined and we all ended up at the local bar.  I was well-pissed and my crew and I smoked spliff after spliff.  Somehow, at some point in the night, I had attracted the attention of a gorgeous French man named Felix.  The festivities were winding down and Felix was really putting on the moves and trying to convince me to come home with him.  I’d seen him come on strongly to Kennedy in the same smooth manner, but I was still tempted, I’d always thought he was such a babe.  After a little push from one of my girlfriends, I gave in and Felix and I abruptly and discreetly made our exit.
Back at his house we had hot, drunken sex and although it was hazy, I remembered it being good.  Definitely the best sex I’ve had in the country.
In the morning, we were both feeling worse for wear.  I lay out on his deck in the sun, falling in and out of consciousness, while he got ready for work.  I went with him into town, feeling a little awkward and not knowing what to say.  To my surprise, he asked for my number when we parted ways and a couple days later, he asked me to hangout…

At the time, I was at my digs, way out in the country and we struck a deal that if he came and picked me up, I would supply the weed.  I expected nothing more than for us to get stoned and get it on, after all, whenever Ted and I got together I would barely be in the door before his tongue was down my throat, his fingers peeling off my clothes and his strong arms leading me to the bedroom… So I was taken aback when Felix asked if I wanted to have a couple beers at the beach and watch the sunset.
We sat overlooking the water, listening to French rap on his car stereo, and passing a spliff back and forth.  We talked a lot, about anything and everything, I had no idea that the two of us had so much in common.  When it grew darker, we went into town so he could pinch the library WiFi to check something on his phone.  Of course we ran into heaps of people we knew and they all gave us that knowing look while they asked what we were up to.  Ah, one of the many drawbacks of living in a small town, your business is never your own…

The two of us stopped for groceries and a bottle of wine and together, we cooked a nice pasta dinner while sipping wine and smoking doobies.  We sat on the couch and the conversation flowed as easily as the vino.  Eventually, we retired to his room to enjoy a more passionate and intense sex session and then passed out in each others arms.
In the morning, we had sex again, but it was hard to focus as I could hear various people coming in and out of the house and talking loudly outside his door.
We came out to investigate and there were a bunch of random friends of his absent roommate, hanging out in the living room smoking weed.  I had a couple puffs, but began to feel awkward.  I hate that ‘walk of shame’ feeling and even though I really wanted to shower, I asked Felix to drop me off in town so I could run some errands before meeting up with a friend for coffee.  But mostly, I wanted to leave because I had really enjoyed our date and was scared of the inevitable rejection and pain that would surely ensue…

That night revealed some deep emotions that I’d been fighting to keep down.  It became glaringly obvious that I was craving some real intimacy in my life.  As much as I denied and avoided it, I wanted to get to know someone and maybe even care about them; I wanted to talk all night until the sun rose; I wanted the beautiful experience of making love to someone and really feeling connected to them.  The realization was truly terrifying.  Dan was the last guy I liked, the last guy who took me on activities resembling a date.  That entire experience left me feeling so stupid and vulnerable, that I’d been dodging it ever since by filling my life with meaningless sex with a string of unworthy men.  But even though I realized that I wanted to date, I still felt too frightened of caring too much, or getting let down.

I hoped to run into Felix again, but I never got in touch with him before I left.  I was too confused about my own emotions and still convinced that I had imagined the whole night.

I’ve resolved to continue shoving these thoughts of intimacy aside and keeping myself as distracted from men as possible this summer.  God help me.

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1

Figuring it Out

I may have finally figure out this sex with no strings attached thing…

It started about 3 weeks ago… I was at the bar, a few drinks in and talking to a very forward and rather cute American guy named Ted.  We had spent most of the night getting pretty handsy on the dance floor and although we had met and chatted before we had certainly taken that next step to flirting.  I had work in the morning and had stopped drinking so I finally decided to bow out, but I was much intrigued.  Ted is well-traveled, intelligent, sweet and attractive.  On top of all that, he is 8 years my senior so I was counting on him knowing his way around a female body.  He is forward and a little slutty, I am shy and a little slutty, I was about to leave this small town for good so why not have a little fun?
He and Kennedy were on friendly terms and he sent her a text inviting her, myself and our friend Jill (who was in town visiting and is apparently my sex charm) to come by his house and look through his insane telescope.  I was totally keen since I was hoping it would lead to something else and I really wanted to see the rings of Saturn that were promised to me. The stargazing was incredible, but I couldn’t entirely relax.  I didn’t know what to say or how to act, especially with my friends present.  We all decided to sit in the hot tub for a while and pretty soon after, Kennedy and Jill felt too flushed and went back inside the house.  Ted and I sat alone and chitchatted. I looked down at my pruney hands and suggested maybe we get out.  That’s when, out of nowhere, he leaned over and kissed me.  It took me by surprise, but it wasn’t unwelcome.  He was an awesome kisser and we started making out despite the fact we were clearly visible from the house and in plain view of the girls.  Things begun to get intense and I tried to think of what to do next. Should I cut it off to leave with my friends and pick things back up another time? Should I go inside and ask my friends to help wingman me? Luckily, they made the decision for me by clearing their throats rather loudly while coming outside and announcing, “We’re going to go home, call us later if you need a ride!”
I love those girls.
We got back into it and soon enough we were entirely naked.  Terrified of one of his roommates walking outside and disgusted by the potential amount of bacteria present in the jacuzzi, I suggested we move things inside.
Once we had relocated to his bedroom, I busted out my sexiest moves.  He went down on me for ages, but when I tried to go down on him he panicked and abruptly declared, “Let’s slow things down a little.” I guess he had more beers than I realized while waiting for us to show up at his house and was having some, for lack of a better word, trouble. I reassured him that there was no rush whatsoever and insisted he relax.  I went to work putting on a show for him and his liquid courage began to manifest itself because he bent me over and before I knew it we were having sex.
Now I know it’s wrong to have unprotected sex with someone who is more or less a stranger, but it felt so great and I was scared the wind would leave his sail, that I didn’t stop him.
When we were finished he started, “You can sleep over if you want, or I can drive you home.  I do have to be up early.”
I took that as, I want you to leave, but I’m too polite to say, so I took him up on the ride home. I got home and the girls were waiting up for me to ask for all the dirty details.  I told them everything and they both scolded me for being unsafe and playing with fire.  I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

I woke up in the morning to a friend request from Ted.  I felt flattered and couldn’t help but smile.  My grin grew larger when later in the day he sent me a message, “Hey, last night was really fun. :)”
Yes, yes it was…
“I hope this isn’t too forward of me,” he continued, “but are you on birth control?  We kind of broke the no condom rule last night.” My face fell.  This was the reason he was communicating with me?  To ease his own anxiety?  I assured him I was on birth control and lectured him on asking such questions beforehand.  Since I was just as much to blame I reigned in my anger and questioned his sexual past.  He tried to assure me he was healthy and went for regular checkups but I wasn’t entirely convinced. I felt dirty and used, but why?  Ted is a cool guy, but definitely not my type and I didn’t want to have anything more than a physical relationship with him.  Was I so insecure that I needed every guy I fucked to fall head over heals in love with me so that I could have the joy of brushing him off?  Or maybe I was just terrified of being so meaningless and easy to drop?  Either way I was confused.

The next night I joined Jill and Kennedy at the pub for a wine tasting and pizza eating event.  It was great fun and the vino was definitely flowing.  I was already tipsy when Ted showed up with a few others.  Despite my best judgement, he and I begun engaging in sexy banter and before I knew it he had me pushed up against a corner wall with his tongue down my throat. “Let’s get out of here,” we both agreed. We said goodbye to our respective crews and they all snickered knowingly, but neither of us cared.

We chatted back and forth and crossed paths again a couple days later at the bar.  Once again, we spent the night together. A few days passed without us being able to rendezvous and when we finally had an opportunity to meet up, he had come down with a nasty cold.  I waited patiently for 3 days and finally saw him when a few of us went to his house to watch a movie.  He was still feeling a little under the weather but that didn’t stop me from jumping his bones the moment everyone else left. This was a regrettable choice as the next day I immediately came down with the same cold and it lasted for 3 weeks (and counting, the story coming up next!) We hooked up once more while I was sick and then spent the night together before I was meant to leave. It was the best sex we’d had together and we both agreed we should try to meet up over in Aus.

My travel plans went array and I ended back in town knowing he would be back from a work trip in a couple weeks.  I started getting uneasy about potentially seeing him again.  Did he want to see me?  Does he care about me at all?  Am I coming on too strong by messaging him? That’s when I realized: I don’t give a shit! The sex is good, he’s a cool guy, I want to sleep with him again so I’m going to do it.  Who cares what he thinks?  I know he’s not for me, so why all the pressure?  He should count his lucky stars that a beautiful woman like me would even glance in his direction.

I think I finally found the key to meaningless sex.

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Unspoken Rules of Dating

Some time ago I found myself single for the first time in 5 years.
Having never dated as an adult, I was at a total and utter loss.
What the fuck is a Tinder?
Why are all the guys are the bar so young?
How the hell do people meet these days?

I rebounded immediately with Matthew and assumed all my dating experiences would be as breezy.  After all:
He approached me and we immediately hit it off.
It was the best sex I’ve ever had.
He treated me with all the respect of a girlfriend but we had the freedom to do whatever/whomever we liked.
It was easy.  Simple.
Every guy since then?  Not so much…

When I met Dan I was immediately smitten.  I felt I’d played it pretty cool and that we’d fallen into a similar, easy situation.
When he transitioned me to a secret booty call, I was confused.
But he had genuinely seemed to like me….
That’s when I remembered that people are assholes and most guys will say or do whatever it takes to get a lady in the sack.

There are a few unspoken rules regarding dating.  From what I’ve seen and pieced together over the past couple years these include but aren’t limited to:

  1. Don’t have sex on the first date
  2. Wait at least 2 hours before texting back; be sure to prepare the coolest and wittiest response possible
  3. Don’t discuss past relationships
  4. Never disclose your ‘number’ or give them any indication you’ve ever had sex with anyone else
  5. Most importantly: Do not EVER let them know how much you like them

I hate these rules.
I love sex and don’t want to wait an allotted amount of time only to potentially get fucked and chucked anyway.
Any guy who would judge me on my sexual past doesn’t deserve a place in my life anyway.

Can’t we just be honest with each other?  Can’t I just tell a guy how I feel about him to ensure we’re on the page before we invest too much time or someone gets hurt.

Let’s change the way we date guys!