Why shouldn’t I write here? Underneath mother moon, so full she looks likely to burst. She shines down upon me, inspiring me, my cancer self ruled by her glorious power. The waves crash beside me and I can see just fine, so why not? The sea. My fucking one true love. Just being in it’s presence, hearing its gentle lullaby soothes me.
Here I sit, asking myself: Is the reason I feel alienated from my co-workers because I alienate myself? I spend a lot of time with Nick and probably miss out on potential bonding time. In retrospect, maybe I spend all this time with him in an effort to get out of the hostel. I like the people I know and the snobbish ones, I don’t care to know.
And Nick. What the fuck should I do about Nick?! He has kids! But we did finally discuss them…
It was one night night, after he sleep sex attacked me (it’s like he’s sleep walking, but all he does is feel me up and mumble gibberish) we both ended up wide awake and talking. As much as I dislike being woken from my sweet slumber, we end up having our best conversations in the veil of darkness, partially awake, partially in a dream. It was during one of these conversations that the subject was broached. He said that he would like to have kids, someday in the future. I responded, “I was under the impression you already have children…”
He got really quiet and finally said, “Yeah, I didn’t know how to tell you. I was going to, that night at the brewery but then you and Jill started talking about how you would never date a guy who had kids and what a turn off it was…”
I apologized, but scolded him for not telling me something so monumental. Yet, since my discovery and now that I have had time to reflect on it, I feel okay about it.
He began telling me about his ex-wife who he met at his time as a Youth Councillor through his church. She was a recovering drug addict and 6 years his senior who convinced him to rush into a relationship, marriage and kids… Things got violent apparently on her part, although she accused him of such behaviour as well.
“This doesn’t change the way I feel about you,” I told him and knew I meant it.
Maybe because they’re not physically present in his life, it’s easier to cope with. Or maybe it’s because I still don’t see a future for us, even though I kind of, sort of, want to believe it could be possible.
It’s all so confusing for me. When I’m with him, I feel amazing; I’m confident and relaxed and completely myself. When we’re apart, I’m relieved and yet, I miss him. Like I said, it’s all very confusing.
The other day he referred to himself as my boyfriend and even though I keep saying I don’t want to label it, I felt tingles.
Deep down, I know I’m just filling some big hole in my life. Wow, I had completely intended to write ‘his life‘ but instead I wrote ‘my life‘. Isn’t that telling? Total Freudian slip. There you have it. We’re both using each other in the same way. And perhaps, just for right now, it’s okay. This thing we have may be fleeing, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be intense and raw and beautiful all the same. Perhaps, knowing it has an expiry date is what makes it so easy to love so honestly and openly.
Oh Nick, what are you doing to me? Did we meet in another life? Or several? You’ve got me such a fucking mess.