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Moon Musings

Why shouldn’t I write here?  Underneath mother moon, so full she looks likely to burst.  She shines down upon me, inspiring me, my cancer self ruled by her glorious power.  The waves crash beside me and I can see just fine, so why not?  The sea.  My fucking one true love.  Just being in it’s presence, hearing its gentle lullaby soothes me.  

Here I sit, asking myself: Is the reason I feel alienated from my co-workers because I alienate myself?  I spend a lot of time with Nick and probably miss out on potential bonding time.  In retrospect, maybe I spend all this time with him in an effort to get out of the hostel.  I like the people I know and the snobbish ones, I don’t care to know.
And Nick.  What the fuck should I do about Nick?!  He has kids!  But we did finally discuss them…

It was one night night, after he sleep sex attacked me (it’s like he’s sleep walking, but all he does is feel me up and mumble gibberish) we both ended up wide awake and talking.  As much as I dislike being woken from my sweet slumber, we end up having our best conversations in the veil of darkness, partially awake, partially in a dream.  It was during one of these conversations that the subject was broached.  He said that he would like to have kids, someday in the future.  I responded, “I was under the impression you already have children…”
He got really quiet and finally said, “Yeah, I didn’t know how to tell you.  I was going to, that night at the brewery but then you and Jill started talking about how you would never date a guy who had kids and what a turn off it was…”
Shit.
I apologized, but scolded him for not telling me something so monumental.  Yet, since my discovery and now that I have had time to reflect on it, I feel okay about it.
He began telling me about his ex-wife who he met at his time as a Youth Councillor through his church.  She was a recovering drug addict and 6 years his senior who convinced him to rush into a relationship, marriage and kids… Things got violent apparently on her part, although she accused him of such behaviour as well.
“This doesn’t change the way I feel about you,” I told him and knew I meant it.
Maybe because they’re not physically present in his life, it’s easier to cope with.  Or maybe it’s because I still don’t see a future for us, even though I kind of, sort of, want to believe it could be possible.

It’s all so confusing for me.  When I’m with him, I feel amazing; I’m confident and relaxed and completely myself.  When we’re apart, I’m relieved and yet, I miss him.  Like I said, it’s all very confusing.
The other day he referred to himself as my boyfriend and even though I keep saying I don’t want to label it, I felt tingles.
Deep down, I know I’m just filling some big hole in my life.  Wow, I had completely intended to write ‘his life‘ but instead I wrote ‘my life‘.  Isn’t that telling?  Total Freudian slip.  There you have it.  We’re both using each other in the same way.  And perhaps, just for right now, it’s okay.  This thing we have may be fleeing, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be intense and raw and beautiful all the same.  Perhaps, knowing it has an expiry date is what makes it so easy to love so honestly and openly.

Oh Nick, what are you doing to me?  Did we meet in another life?  Or several?  You’ve got me such a fucking mess.

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Hallow-why?

All I wanted for Halloween this year was to dance it up with my bestest of friends, but the night quickly went awry.

It started off fine: I had settled on dressing up as a lion (despite my earlier hissy-fit when I declared that I hated my costume) I had backcombed my hair into a fierce mane and done my makeup to match.  I was dressed to impress and determined to make out with a hot guy.  We went to a couple house parties and all my friends decided to do mushrooms, I hastily agreed although I wasn’t entirely on board.
We started towards the main party: a massive rave featuring multiple DJs on a property down the street.  As we walked we all began to feel the effects on the mush, pausing often to stare up at the moon and stars.

When we arrived Jack, Kathy, Kennedy, myself and Jack’s friend Derrick all promised not to lose one another.  “We’re on mushrooms and half of us don’t have phones… we have to stick together,” we rationalized.  So naturally within 5 minutes we lost Kathy and Jack freaked out and left.  Kennedy, myself and Derrick (who, by the way, is an absolute babe) were left.
“We HAVE to stay together” we swore once again.  We were all standing together talking amongst a bunch of different people, all the people began to disperse and suddenly only Derrick and I remained.
“Where the Hell is Kennedy?” I wondered aloud.
We screamed her name over and over again; we walked over to nearby groups of people, but there was no sign of her.  We circled around the party, calling her name repeatedly but there was no sign of her or anyone else I recognize.  Derrick and I made our way onto the covered dance floor to try and seek shelter from the sudden onslaught of rain, but it seemed everyone else had the same idea.  The dance floor had turned into a mosh pit and I was on the verge of getting trampled before we made our escape.
The rain was falling in buckets and we were both absolutely soaked, standing there at a loss.
“I don’t know what to do!”
“Maybe she went back to check on Jack?” Derrick suggested, “She was saying she was worried about him.”
“Maybe… I don’t see her anywhere.”
I took one last look around the party and then the two of us started back in the hopes of locating her.


 

Back at the staff accom house, Jack was home, but he was alone.
“Shit!” I cried, feeling myself begin to panic “We have to go back!  She’s not here!”
“She’ll know to come here when she can’t find you, lets just wait here for her to come back,” they both stated.
“No!” I cried, “She’ll think I just left her, I have to go back and find her!”
As I headed to the door, Jack cried out: “Wait… we’ll go with you.”
I got my rain boots from my house, threw on a rain poncho and headed back to the party with determination in my stride.
Back at the party every person I saw informed me that Kennedy was freaking out looking for me.  Finally I spotted her and the two us began screaming and embracing one another.
“You guys are fucked,” my brother remarked as he walked away in confusion.
Now to retrieve Jack (who was still too messed up to even enter the party) and inform him that we had found Kennedy and were staying at the party a little longer.  As we approached the entrance gates Kennedy skipped up and yelled “BOO” to some guy sitting under the gate tent.  He looked startled and then his eyes moved over to me.  He stood up immediately and rushed towards me to embrace me in a warm, genuine hug: Dan.
He looked… incredible.  He was wearing wired rimmed glasses, a plaid dress shirt and grey slacks with suspenders.  I’d never seen him in anything but a t-shirt and jeans, he looked taller and broader than usual and he did not have a DROP of rain on him.  Seriously?  Meanwhile, I looked like a drowned rat: my makeup was all down my face and my hair was puffy and yet somehow stringy.  We bantered back and forth about what our costumes were “supposed” to be, but I quickly excused myself as being terribly high and ran away.
My friends and I danced a while, Derrick and I were all over each other on the dance floor while staring up at the flashing lights and laughing hysterically.  Things started to get weird and I insisted we leave.  Back at Jack’s we sat around getting stoned and trying to chill out.  Derrick and I cuddled.  One of the guys from upstairs came down with a trashy looking female companion.  The two of them disrupted our peaceful vibe and declared that we should light off the two remaining fireworks.
Sure, we all agreed, one last shebang and then off to bed.
We went outside and he lit the first one and waved it around as it shot golden sparks into the air.  His trashy friend began doing a sexy firework dance beneath the falling flames.
Is this real life?
Trashy girl got distracted by some passing guys and started riding one’s long board down the hill… on her stomach.
“Okay, lets light off this last one,” he declared.  We stood in the driveway, waiting in anticipation.  A light shot up in to the sky and then EXPLODED with the loudest fucking bang.  The firework expanded across the entire nights sky, it was the hugest firework I had ever seen that wasn’t part of a professional display.  We all screamed and I ducked behind a car, shaking.  I felt like the power of the firework had shifted the stars.  With that we all said goodnight, I tried to discreetly invite Derrick to sleep in my bed, but my awkwardness got in my way so he retired to Jack’s van alone while Kennedy and I walked to my house together, pausing to stare up at glowing night sky.
Once warm and safe in my bed we began to relay the nights events.
“I can’t believe I saw Dan! I looked so shitty and he looked so great!” I bemoaned.
“That guy… he’s bad news for you.”
She had summed it up perfectly, there was no denying he was bad news.
We fell into a restless sleep.


 

The next day my hair was a disaster and I didn’t get myself close to enough time to comb it out and therefore had to rush to work with a haphazard, tangled mess of a bun.
I returned home, exhausted and sat down in Kathy’s room where we began trading stories from our Halloweens and wondering how we never saw each other once.
“I have to tell you something,” she said, smiling mischievously, “I saw Dan on the dance floor, he was talking about you… He said he doesn’t know what to do because he wants to be your friend and make amends with you and be on good terms before you go, but he feels like you hate him… And, I’m sorry, but I told him you felt the same way and that you wanted to talk to him and you were at the party…”
“Kathy!”
“I’m sorry!  But he seemed genuine and I think he was looking for you all night.”
For a second, my heart melted, because lately I had been thinking of reconnecting with him before I left.  I had been reminiscing about the fun times we’d had together and I realized that I was glad he had come into my life, despite everything else.
Kathy urged me to text him and I began to consider it.
Wait, no!  I chided myself, If he really wants to talk to me, he could just call or text me, or just talk to me… I live down the street for God’s sake!  And another thing… He knows that anything he says to Kathy will be relayed to me.  If I text him he doesn’t actually have to apologize or put in any effort and he gets an opportunity to try and hook up with me before I leave town.  What. The. Fuck.  No!!!!!

The night he left without even a goodbye was the moment I realized he was a selfish twat and decided I was done with him; we had not spoken since.  I had tried to be his friend before that night, I thought I could do it, but I realized I was just torturing myself.  I thought back to the pain I felt that first night in September and my heart solidified again.
I decided I to focus instead on getting organized for my trip… and possibly seducing Derrick while I still had the chance.


The next day I tried in vain to brush out my now dreaded hair.  I used a bottle of olive oil, an entire bottle of conditioner, a bottle of detangler spray, 4 hours of elbow grease and nearly broke my brush but it was no use.  I began to panic at the very real chance that I may have to cut out my hair… on the top of my head… close to my scalp.
I took a deep breath, my eyes welled up as I began cutting through the strands.

Kennedy showed up and tried to convince me to attend the lodge staff party, a poker night, to get stoned and eat all of the free food.  I put on a hat and agreed as I really needed a drink to console me.
It was Derrick’s last night night in town so I built up some liquid courage and stopped by Jack’s house.  I stayed up late watching a dumb movie and trying to flirt with Derrick.  I didn’t know how to go about asking him to spend the night with me so I kept making physical contact and commenting on how tired I felt.  We both headed off to bed and he tried to door of the van, “It’s locked… I guess I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”
Now’s my opportunity!
I mustered up all of my courage.
“You could sleep at my house,” I suggested sheepishly. “I have a big comfy bed.”
“Uhhmmmm… yeah… sure,” he finally agreed after a long hesitation.
Oh my god, what have I said?  That was way too forward, he’s definitely not into it!
“Never mind,” I quickly responded, “That would be weird…”
“Okay, well have fun in New Zealand,” he said while giving me a fast hug and turning towards the house.  “I’m sure we’ll meet again someday.”
Damn!
I walked home sadly, cursing myself and him for being far too awkward.
I think I may need to work on my flirting skills.