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Moon Musings

Why shouldn’t I write here?  Underneath mother moon, so full she looks likely to burst.  She shines down upon me, inspiring me, my cancer self ruled by her glorious power.  The waves crash beside me and I can see just fine, so why not?  The sea.  My fucking one true love.  Just being in it’s presence, hearing its gentle lullaby soothes me.  

Here I sit, asking myself: Is the reason I feel alienated from my co-workers because I alienate myself?  I spend a lot of time with Nick and probably miss out on potential bonding time.  In retrospect, maybe I spend all this time with him in an effort to get out of the hostel.  I like the people I know and the snobbish ones, I don’t care to know.
And Nick.  What the fuck should I do about Nick?!  He has kids!  But we did finally discuss them…

It was one night night, after he sleep sex attacked me (it’s like he’s sleep walking, but all he does is feel me up and mumble gibberish) we both ended up wide awake and talking.  As much as I dislike being woken from my sweet slumber, we end up having our best conversations in the veil of darkness, partially awake, partially in a dream.  It was during one of these conversations that the subject was broached.  He said that he would like to have kids, someday in the future.  I responded, “I was under the impression you already have children…”
He got really quiet and finally said, “Yeah, I didn’t know how to tell you.  I was going to, that night at the brewery but then you and Jill started talking about how you would never date a guy who had kids and what a turn off it was…”
Shit.
I apologized, but scolded him for not telling me something so monumental.  Yet, since my discovery and now that I have had time to reflect on it, I feel okay about it.
He began telling me about his ex-wife who he met at his time as a Youth Councillor through his church.  She was a recovering drug addict and 6 years his senior who convinced him to rush into a relationship, marriage and kids… Things got violent apparently on her part, although she accused him of such behaviour as well.
“This doesn’t change the way I feel about you,” I told him and knew I meant it.
Maybe because they’re not physically present in his life, it’s easier to cope with.  Or maybe it’s because I still don’t see a future for us, even though I kind of, sort of, want to believe it could be possible.

It’s all so confusing for me.  When I’m with him, I feel amazing; I’m confident and relaxed and completely myself.  When we’re apart, I’m relieved and yet, I miss him.  Like I said, it’s all very confusing.
The other day he referred to himself as my boyfriend and even though I keep saying I don’t want to label it, I felt tingles.
Deep down, I know I’m just filling some big hole in my life.  Wow, I had completely intended to write ‘his life‘ but instead I wrote ‘my life‘.  Isn’t that telling?  Total Freudian slip.  There you have it.  We’re both using each other in the same way.  And perhaps, just for right now, it’s okay.  This thing we have may be fleeing, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be intense and raw and beautiful all the same.  Perhaps, knowing it has an expiry date is what makes it so easy to love so honestly and openly.

Oh Nick, what are you doing to me?  Did we meet in another life?  Or several?  You’ve got me such a fucking mess.

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Random Thought of The Day

It’s strange, this whole getting older thing.
It’s strange to look in the mirror and one day realize how much your own face has changed.
Lines are etched deeply around your mouth and you begin to notice the little creases around your eyes.
You catch a glimmer of something in your hair and realize you’ve found your first grey.  And not only are you in awe by it’s silver gleam, but the fact that it’s an entire different consistency than the rest of your hairs.
It’s strange seeing the changes in your friends and loved ones; watching little cousins grow into people right before your eyes.
It’s strange, this feeling that you blinked and suddenly, 5 years have passed.
It’s strange and terrifying and yet quite amazing… this getting older thing.

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Reading the Signs

Life is a test. A challenge. A race.
I have attempted to ignore what the Universe is trying to tell me, but it refuses to stand down.
Sometimes I convince myself that I’m satisfied with my current situation.
I try to tell myself that if I stay perfectly still where I am – curled up in a corner, eyes shut tightly – things around me will changed on their own.
Life is full of ups and downs and happiness ebbs and flows like waves breaking on a shore.  Yet sometimes so many roadblocks appear on one journey, you can’t help but wonder: Is the Universe trying to tell me something and steer me away from the path I’m on? Or is it all the more reason to fight harder, be stronger and carry on?
I guess the answer lies within, in the form of yet another question:
How badly do you want it?

Often the challenges I face are moral in nature, they say:
This is what you claim to stand for, now is your chance to prove it. Will you step onto your soapbox, stand up for what you believe in and defend those without a voice? Or will you slink away, because it’s easier and more convenient?
It’s easy to feel helpless.
Recently I found myself in a shitty situation where I was witness to some unsavoury behaviour from our landlord. He acted in an inappropriate way towards one of my flatmates and I fell into the uncomfortable position of having to relay the information to my unknowing friend. He was surprised, hurt, shocked. A day later he had sat on the information and his anger had only grown. He was upset and wanted to speak up and out, but didn’t know what to say and I mirrored his frustrations.
If we confronted our landlord, would he kick us out, or begin treating us with hostility?
When you live in a tourist town where everyone is struggling to find work or accommodation, you consider yourself one of the lucky ones when those things materialize for you. In fact, you feel so grateful, that you’re afraid to rock the boat for fear of losing everything.

An asshole boss at a job you desperately need.
An inappropriate landlord in a house you were barely able to find.
These people are in a place of power above you.
There are even more above them and a select few that reign over our whole society.
The thought of fighting to the top is exhausting, especially when it’s obviously easier to walk away.
People can be cruel and there are a lot of the people I’ve met here that I would rather forget. The locals are unfriendly and proud, the natives are aggressive and intense, the tourists are just looking to party.

It seems as if every day I find myself in another shitty situation that tempts me to run away with my tail between my legs, but the competitive side of me refuses to stand down: at least not until I’ve made a complete life for myself here.  Once I’m nice and comfortable, that’s the perfect time to move on and start again.
Maybe the reason I am picking up on these perceived signs is because of the doubts within myself. I’m not totally psyched on my life right now, so I look for signs in my environment that might tell me if I am making the wrong decision.
I’ve reached out for spiritual guidance, as I always do in times of uncertainty.
The last few times I’ve read my tarot cards or my horoscope, the same themes continue to appear: Strength, travel, personal growth, but above all: Career.
Everywhere I go, everything I see screams: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!
I like having a life void of responsibility and full of fun, but I feel unsatisfied. I want to feel that I am doing something meaningful with my life, but I’m scared to take that next step and become a “responsible adult.” At the beginning of the year, I set a goal for myself: Teach in another country. I’ve taken strides towards that goal, but now that I’m close I’ve begun cowering away.
A life with a purpose, with a schedule.
Being responsible for a person’s education.
Standing in front of a classroom.
Terrifying.
Yet, maybe exactly what I need. I can’t run forever, I can’t ignore the signs from within.