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Rain Rain, Go Away

Things have been crazy lately and I have not been writing. It’s terrible and there’s no excuse for it, I know.
Tonight I realized that writing out my thoughts and feelings is so therapeutic to me, its one of the best ways for me to deal with me recent anxiety and maybe I’ll actually get a good sleep tonight, so here goes…

Fall is definitely here now and the town has taken on a very somber vibe. Every day someone else leaves: my roommate Shannon left; most people from work have left; I haven’t been getting along with John; and it’s been raining, holy shit has it ever been raining! It never stops, (and biking to work in it, without the much needed rain pants that I refuse to shell out $80 for: torture!) I get that we live in a temperate rainforest, but damn. Anyway, I’m feeling down and out from working more than ever now that we’re all so short staffed.

I’ve been feeling these really strong waves of nostalgia lately. When I look out the dining room windows at the foamy glowing whitewash crashing against the rocks, I think of the exact moment I first saw the view, I remember exactly how I felt and the mindset I was in those early days. I remember my first impression of everyone, I remember the smell at staff accom, I remember the music that would constantly play at work, I clearly recall every detail of my first day here. Maybe it’s because I’m leaving that I’m having these lethargic waves, but they’re powerful and overwhelming. I try to imagine what my life would be like if I stayed with him or if I stayed in my previous situation or if I decided to stay where I am for an entire year. I shudder at the mere idea. I’m already being worked to death, if I didn’t have NZ in my sites I’d be (even more) miserable. Which brings me to another point:
My one manager told my other manager to stop scheduling me, prematurely ending my time at my much loved lodge where they need me just as much, if not more. Apparently he needed me to work nonstop doubles without any interference. Neither of them even discussed it with me, they just decided amongst themselves making me feel sick and like I’m not even a human being, like I have no say in my own life. THEN my manager asked me to work a 4th double in a row because he had meant to schedule me for one. At this point I had already worked 7 am till 11:30, hitchhiked to my other job in the rain and then worked 12-10 pm.
“Sure,” I lazily agreed, holding back tears of exhaustion.
After being so good for weeks, I gave in and bought a pack, chain-smoking while trying to hitchhike home. Few cars passed me and all sped by without slowing down. Just when I was about to give up and burst into tears, two Aussie boys in a truck picked me up and their kindness and enthusiasm brightened my day, if even a little.

By the time I got home and vented to my roommate Stan, I had resolved to stand up for myself and not be a pushover. I always allow myself to be drawn in by selfish men and apparently my work life is no exception. I texted my manager in the morning saying simply that I could no work the double.
“No stress,” he replied and then changed the schedule so I had 3 days off and only worked 1 double. I breathed a sigh of relief at the idea of having time to get organized for my trip and patted myself on the back for being strong. 2 more weeks here and then I’m gone… wow.

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Rainy Day Thoughts

Sitting outside tonight amongst the lush fauna, listening to the rain pour onto the cedar deck.

So this is fall…

I can hear raindrops falling hard into a plastic bucket in some obscure spot in the distance.  It hits loudly, frantically and my heart beats with it anxiously.

I feel sad today.  Maybe it’s this weather, maybe it’s because I overslept or maybe it’s because work hasn’t been great, but I feel bummed and on the verge of tears.  I’m sick of working so hard, I’m sick of busting my ass.  The good news is I’m nearly at my savings goal.  The bad news is I’m fairly miserable.  Thank God I have New Zealand in my near future to look forward to.
I have so much in my life to be grateful for (where do I even begin?) I need to focus on these positive aspects of my life.

Last night I had a bit of a panic attack… On my blog stats I noticed that my posts were getting a lot of views, but very few visitors meaning those who were viewing my blog were doing so several times a day.  This horrible image popped into my head of people who knew me laughing at my blog and showing their friends.  I write under a pseudonym so that I can speak honestly and openly about my personal life without fear of embarrassing my family or losing a potential job over it, but that being said if someone in this town were to read my blog it’d be pretty obvious who I am and where I live.  I don’t want my identity to be an absolute secret, I just want to protect my friends and, to an extent, my reputation.  What scares me is the thought of ridicule.  It’s a fear that’s held me back in the past with writing and it continues to haunt me.  I love keeping this blog.  It’s a means for me to express myself and if a few people read it (and who knows, maybe even like it) then that’s just a bonus.  Maybe I’m not where I’d like to be career wise, maybe I don’t have a portfolio like those that I graduated with, but I’ve finally started writing again and thats a huge step for me.  Then I thought:
So what if someone reads this and laughs at me or thinks I’m crazy or weird.  Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.  

I’ll never stop being me and if someone doesn’t like it, then adios bitches!  I’m out of here in 62 days.